Men vs Essex - 19/11/2023
After spending an eternity on Britain’s finest public transport (literally for Chundy and Lumpfish) the boys arrived at Grunion’s homeland, Colchester. It’s safe to say his upbringing says a lot… Seeing a demolition job from the women, we were excited to enter the hallowed waters of Colchester Leisure World. Barney Bear was also riding a wave of euphoria after the Essex Captain had pointed him out as a really great player. If only they were aware of the rest of the team!!!
The whistle blew and of course Lumpfish won the swim off. A beautiful arc was set up (inspired by tour) with the ball safely delivered to Tadpole Adam. Essex were unaware of this man’s bullet arm and made the fatal flaw of not pressing. Tadpole Adam replied with a missile into the top corner, the first of many. Essex were showing some prowess however, and soon equalised, after two of our boys decided they wanted to get themselves kicked out. The team soon adjusted to their one offensive move and shut them out for the rest of the quarter. Then the goals started to fly in, with the team becoming counter-attacking animals. Flaccid Brexit slotted in 4, Tadpole I can’t be bothered to spell his name scored 1 along with 1 from Lumpfish and another from Tadpole Adam. There was a cry from Flaccid Brexit about someone “trying to break his fingers” but that didn’t seem to stop him. Score 8-1
The second quarter started and Barney Bear decided he didn’t want to play much more of this game, so he quickly got his second major. We were also in shock this quarter as Essex decided they wanted to swim and scored 3 whole goals! The effort was poor from Flaccid Brexit this quarter who only scored once… Shocking! Thankfully Tadpole Adam, Dimi, and Lumpfish decided to pick up his slack with the team scoring 7 more this quarter. Lumpfish was soon disowned by his parents for the first time this game after screaming about being assaulted by their goalkeeper after trying to hug him. Deserved if you ask me. This was not the only drama this quarter as the refs tried to give Chundy Shark a major for no reason what so ever. Thankfully he was more dipolmatic to the refs unlike his flatmate and got this rightfully rescinded. Score 15-4
Finally in the third quarter we had a real pit defense player: Grunion. Making his debut in this position Grunion absolutely ruined any chances of the Essex boys getting the ball into pit. Two Essex players had seen enough and decided they didn’t want to play the game anymore, both getting themselves wrapped leaving them with only 6 players for the rest of the game. Now it was time for Tadpole Phil to put on a clinic of expert goal hanging, leading to his first ever goal in BUCS. This could’ve been 2 but the refs wanted to ruin his fun and disallowed his penalty. Grunion also had a penalty of his own but he didn’t need the refs help this time, and sent ball miles wide. He did take a leaf out of Tadpole Phil’s book and excelled at goal hanging as well leading to a goal for himself. Tadpole Adam became an absolute monster this quarter and sent in 6 goals into Essex’s net. Demoralising. In total 13 goals were scored by the boys this quarter, a phenomenal effort. Chundy Shark also saved a penalty but let in one goal from Essex. Score 28-5
This paragraph has been reserved for Barney Bear and Grouper. Grouper for some reason decided he couldn’t understand the concept of goal hanging and spent two whole quarters trying to do it correctly despite watching Tadpole Phil and Grunion do it so well. Finally he got the gist of it in the middle of the last quarter. This process almost made coach cry… Eventually however Grouper too got his first ever BUCS goal with a beautiful finesse shot. There is no excuse for the veteran of game Barney Bear however, who in the last quarter despite being unmarked and not moving off Essex’s 5 metre line, took about 10 attempts to finally get his goal. Every ounce of the goal posts and keeper had been hit before he scored net before …
In total only 6 goals were scored by the boys this quarter. Chundy Shark actually impressed himself by making some decent saves as well. HOWEVER, corruption at its finest soon occurred. Despite the referee blowing his whistle (after an Essex boy cramped so much be could hardly reach the side) due to the insistent begging from Lumpfish they decided to award the goal from a shot from their keeper. After the game they soon confided in me that the goal should never had been awarded and it was all Lumpfish’s fault. Traitor.
After a monumental shift from the boys we won 34-6!!!! Massive shout out goes to Tadpole Phil for scoring 2 goals and never letting his opposition player get an inch away from him.
MOTM: Tadpole Adam for scoring 10 goals in the game.
And HUGE shout out to Chundy, who had an exceptional match, displaying excellent ball distribution throughout and saving a penalty! (disclaimer- he didn’t write this sentence himself xx)
DOD: Flaccid Brexit for constantly teasing the opposition keeper when he was guaranteed to score and then dropping the ball
Scorers
Barney Bear-1
Grouper-1
Grunion-1
Tadpole Phil-2
Tadpole Dimitrios -4
Lumpfish-6
Flaccid Brexit -9
Tadpole Adam-10
Chundy Shark = minus 6
